Lucius Malfoy and His Lonely Saturday Evenings
by Madam Suzie
Summary: Even Lucius Malfoy has lonely nights where he must find a way of keeping himself out of trouble, although his efforts aren't always successful. Humor thing with appearances by Severus Snape and maybe others...
1. Juke Box Lucius

Lucius danced around his study with a bottle of wine in one hand, singing along to some muggle device that he took from his latest victim. They begged for him not to take it so of course that's the first thing he did before he killed him. Back to the present, Lucius was enjoying the music coming from this small black box and had even learned some of the words when the songs repeated. "Juke box hero!" sang Lucius as he hopped over another empty wine bottle. 


	2. A Flurry of Pink

Lucius sat sullenly in the dressing room at Madam Malkin's shop, refusing to come out. Severus Snape stood just outside the door, wishing he wasn't standing there at all. Lucius had picked out some ridiculously gaudy outfit, and now didn't even have the courtesy to come out and let Severus see the horror that he had been dragged to this store to view. He himself was wearing his usual long black robes, what he always wore.  
  
After quite a bit of persuasion and rather a few more bad-tempered comments than was necessary, Lucius opened the door and stepped into the light.  
  
Severus couldn't have prepared himself for what he saw: an onslaught of hot pink glittered feathers on the hem of a robe that only the devil himself could have dreamed up. Or perhaps Lockhart.  
  
There were more sequins than Severus had ever seen in his life, and the material looked like it came from a Lisa Frank surplus store. The cuffs were lime green crushed velvet lightly dusted with the same glitter that adorned the feathers on the hem. The collar had zebra-striped canvas-like material cut in a zigzag pattern. It was altogether the worst thing Professor Severus Snape had ever had the misfortune to look upon. He wondered how Lucius got the thing into the dressing room without catching the entire store's attention.  
  
Severus turned on his heel and walked briskly out of the shop, desperately hoping no one had seen a spot of black in Lucius' flurry of pink... 


	3. Been Caught Stealing

Been Caught Stealing  
  
Lucius ran out of the small shop with his pockets full. He had been browsing just minutes before when he realized that he didn't have enough money to cover the cost of what he needed for that afternoon: 1 pound of beetle eyes, several assorted fireworks, a dung bomb, and some lollipop sticks. He intended to give Draco a reminder that Malfoys did not slack off in school or work. He had wanted to purchase these items, but left his wallet at home. So he decided to try and run off with the merchandise unpaid for.  
  
This did not bode well with the shopkeeper. He chased Lucius from the shop with what looked like an aluminum baseball bat. He flailed it around his head, coming dangerously close to striking Lucius' golden head.  
  
"What the hell is this? What's going on? This does not happen to Malfoys!" thought Lucius.  
  
So once he got a head start, he turned around and cursed the shopkeeper with anything he could think of.  
  
Five minutes later, Lucius looked at the inanimate form of the man he had so viciously robbed and rendered unconscious.  
  
"Yup. One-way express ticket to hell..."  
  
He walked home, his blond hair trailing behind him... 


	4. Close Encounter

"Explain to me again why we are here?" Severus asked, deeply disturbed at Lucius' show of affection for this ridiculous muggle toy. They were in line at a McDonald's to get as many Happy Meals as they could get their hands on. Or at least as many as Lucius could. Severus wanted no part in this, but seeing as he always was dragged into Lucius' asinine plans, he had no other choice but to allow himself to be whisked away to this dingy fast food "restaurant".  
  
"It's rather simple, Severus. We are here to purchase the latest addition to the Beanie Babies Family. We have to get the new Sammy Sosa bear with a collectible baseball cap!" Lucius said with a crazed light in his eyes. At this, Severus saw no point in arguing. He would let Lucius do whatever he pleased, as long as Severus himself had as small a part in it as possible.  
  
"Couldn't you have found a less—uh—public hobby?" Severus said, looking around at the people standing in line with them. There were all sorts of deranged-looking people waiting just as eagerly as Lucius to get this new horror.  
  
"Like hoarding pudding?" Lucius raised an eyebrow. Severus glared.  
  
Lucius and Severus waited as patiently as they could under the circumstances, but they found it hard to ignore the heavy-set woman behind them who kept pretending to "bump" into them whenever they edged ahead in the slow moving line. Once Severus thought he felt a hand run across his backside, but quickly ignored it. That woman looked like she could have been related to Hagrid.  
  
They couldn't help but feel extremely relieved when they finally exited the stinking "restaurant". Even Lucius grumbled in agreement when Severus declared that nothing short of a threat from the Dark Lord would get him in there again. The smell was awful.  
  
As they walked to the nearest secluded alley to Apparate away, Severus thought he saw a rather large shape moving behind them, but every time he turned to look, the shadow would pass just out of his range of vision. Disconcerted, Severus looked back to Lucius to say something, but found that when he turned around, Lucius was gone.  
  
"Oh God," muttered Severus. "That horrid beast's got a hold of Lucius and I'm going to have to take it down..." He grimace at the prospect of having to get anywhere near that creature, then thought of what the thing must be doing to Lucius at this very moment and shuddered. He started to prowl around, looking for any signs of a struggle. He took out his wand.  
  
He saw it. A trail of grease from the McDonald's bags led him to what he was searching for. He found Lucius locked in a death battle with the large woman who had molested Severus in line at the McDonald's, his face twisted in a grotesque expression of fear and disgust. Poor Lucius looked like he was fighting a losing battle.  
  
The woman was apparently trying to undress Lucius, which was proving not too difficult due to her mammoth size. Lucius was doing his best to struggle out of the woman's grasp, but he stood no chance against this beast.  
  
Severus used the element of surprise in trying to free his poor and probably forever mentally scarred friend. He snuck up behind the beast and hid behind some trashcans. Thinking quickly, he sent a jet of water from his wand into the beast's face and jumped from his hiding place. The Behemoth of Lard set off at a slow jog, fleeing from this tiny man with the Devil's power.  
  
She did not get far. Severus cast a Stunning Spell and it hit her in her monstrous back. She came tumbling down and hit the ground with a resounding crash of stinking flesh against concrete. So ended the Beast.  
  
Lucius collected his and the Beast's Beanie Babies and Disapparated with Severus. What ultimately happened to the Beast, they never knew. But I can tell you this: Lucius never bought another Beanie Baby again... 


End file.
